11 Pieces of Relationship Advice We Learned From Pope Francis

11 Pieces of Relationship Advice We Learned From Pope Francis

On Friday morning, Pope Francis released an extensive document titled “Amoris Laetitia,” or “The Joy of Love” in Latin, which was celebrated for its inclusivity and understanding toward divorced couples, gays, and couples living together before marriage.

While many criticized Pope Francis for his continued opposition toward gay marriage, “Amoris Laetitia” made more headlines for its groundbreaking signal that may allow divorced and remarried Catholics to receive communion again. In the past, those who had divorced, regardless of the circumstances, were considered ex-communicated from the church. Beyond Pope Francis’s new position on divorced members of the church, the document was chock-full of sensible words of advice on relationships and marriage. Below, we highlight the most inspiring relationship advice from “The Joy of Love.”


Always keep your eyes open in a relationship.
“A look of appreciation has enormous importance, and to begrudge it is usually hurtful. How many things do spouses and children sometimes do in order to be noticed! Much hurt and many problems result when we stop looking at one another,” he wrote. “Love opens our eyes and enables us to see, beyond all else, the great worth of a human being.”

Don’t be so quick to swipe left.
“I think, for example, of the speed with which people move from one affective relationship to another. They believe, along the lines of social networks, that love can be connected or disconnected at the whim of the consumer, and the relationship quickly ‘blocked,’ ” he wrote. “We treat affective relationships the way we treat material objects and the environment: Everything is disposable; everyone uses and throws away, takes and breaks, exploits and squeezes to the last drop. Then, goodbye. Narcissism makes people incapable of looking beyond themselves, beyond their own desires and needs. Yet sooner or later, those who use others end up being used themselves, manipulated and discarded by that same mind-set.”

Being polite makes a huge difference.
“In the family, three words need to be used. I want to repeat this! Three words: ‘Please,’ ‘Thank you,’ ‘Sorry.’ Three essential words!” he wrote. “Let us not be stingy about using these words, but keep repeating them, day after day. For ‘certain silences are oppressive, even at times within families, between husbands and wives, between parents and children, among siblings.’ The right words, spoken at the right time, daily protect and nurture love.”

Love is like a fine wine: It takes time to become its best version of itself.
“It is not helpful to dream of an idyllic and perfect love needing no stimulus to grow. A celestial notion of earthly love forgets that the best is yet to come, that fine wine matures with age.” Later, he added: “Just as a good wine begins to ‘breathe’ with time, so too the daily experience of fidelity gives married life richness and ‘body.’ Fidelity has to do with patience and expectation.”

Listening is an art form.
“Take time, quality time. This means being ready to listen patiently and attentively to everything the other person wants to say. It requires the self-discipline of not speaking until the time is right. Instead of offering an opinion or advice, we need to be sure that we have heard everything the other person has to say. This means cultivating an interior silence that makes it possible to listen to the other person without mental or emotional distractions. Do not be rushed, put aside all of your own needs and worries, and make space. Often the other spouse does not need a solution to his or her problems, but simply to be heard, to feel that someone has acknowledged their pain, their disappointment, their fear, their anger, their hopes and their dreams.”

Sometimes an opposite point of view is not a bad thing.
“Keep an open mind. Don’t get bogged down in your own limited ideas and opinions, but be prepared to change or expand them. The combination of two different ways of thinking can lead to a synthesis that enriches both.”

How you say things is just as important as what you are saying.
“The ability to say what one is thinking without offending the other person is important. Words should be carefully chosen so as not to offend, especially when discussing difficult issues. Making a point should never involve venting anger and inflicting hurt. A patronizing tone only serves to hurt, ridicule, accuse, and offend others. Many disagreements between couples are not about important things. Mostly they are about trivial matters. What alters the mood, however, is the way things are said or the attitude with which they are said.”

Looks fade, but the heart remains true.
“In the course of every marriage physical appearances change, but this hardly means that love and attraction need fade. We love the other person for who they are, not simply for their body. Although the body ages, it still expresses that personal identity that first won our heart. Even if others can no longer see the beauty of that identity, a spouse continues to see it with the eyes of love and so his or her affection does not diminish.”

Compromise, compromise, compromise.
“As love matures, it also learns to ‘negotiate.’ Far from anything selfish or calculating, such negotiation is an exercise of mutual love, an interplay of give and take, for the good of the family. At each new stage of married life, there is a need to sit down and renegotiate agreements, so that there will be no winners and losers, but rather two winners. In the home, decisions cannot be made unilaterally, since each spouse shares responsibility for the family; yet each home is unique and each marriage will find an arrangement that works best.”

Don’t act defensively during a fight.
“Faced with a crisis, we tend first to react defensively, since we feel that we are losing control, or are somehow at fault, and this makes us uneasy. We resort to denying the problem, hiding or downplaying it, and hoping that it will go away. But this does not help; it only makes things worse, wastes energy, and delays a solution.”

Never ignore a person’s emotional baggage.
“Many people leave childhood without ever having felt unconditional love. This affects their ability to be trusting and open with others. A poor relationship with one’s parents and siblings, if left unhealed, can re-emerge and hurt a marriage. Unresolved issues need to be dealt with and a process of liberation must take place. When problems emerge in a marriage, before important decisions are made it is important to ensure that each spouse has come to grips with his or her own history.”